Diary of a Low Budget Superhero

Do you ever hear about something that a person did that was so stupid, I mean so incredibly brainless, that your reaction is something like "Wha...why...ARE...PEOPLE...!?" It's like the act of stupidity was so powerful that just by hearing about it, a dam of dumb burst and sent a wave of stupid all the way from its origin to your brain where it took away your verbs. All your mouth can summon is "Why are people."

While I was just typing that, a recent news story popped into mind. This poor fucker. I wasn't actually THINKING of this guy as having done something stupid, and really, I feel horribly, terrible awful for him, but if I were this guy's friend, I would have to say, "Dude. Really? That's the solution that came to mind?"

This happened June 6th, a few weeks ago, in Connecticut. Guy was attempting to repair his furnace, stuck his left arm inside it, between the slats of the vents. He couldn't quite reach, so instead of saying "Damn, I can't reach," he forced his arm in further.

Don't read anymore if you have a delicate constitution.

Like I know anyone like that! You are all iron stomached, right?

Well, he got that arm stuck, but GOOD. He was actually trapped for an entire long, horrifying day, 18 hours. At which point he began to cut his arm off with his hand tools.

In the interviews he's very matter-of-fact about it. "I fashioned a tourniquet from a shirt," he calmly tells the cameras, and then describes the incredible ordeal of attempting a self-amputation. "The cut was going well, surprisingly well, for about half way through," he explains. But then the pain got to be too much (ya think?) and he passed out. Then the next day his work friend got worried about his unexplained absence. They found his dog barking, got into the house, found him, used the jaws of life to get him free and rushed him to the hospital. He's OK now, amazingly, save for the lack of a left arm anymore.

When I first saw the news story, it seemed for all the world like the guy had maybe seen one too many Saw movies. Well, even ONE is one-too-many Saw movies, but you know what I mean. He goes for amputation on the first day!? People have survived trapped for way longer than THAT without resorting to such a drastic act.

But now, a couple weeks later, the docs are saying that when his arm got stuck ("got" stuck, as though the arm acted on its own) it began to decay or decomp or whatever, and that by severing the arm the guy prevented toxins from entering the rest of his body and killing him.

I think they're just trying to make the guy feel better. It sounds like putting the best possible spin on a horrifying scene. In reality, he's like Hedwig. You know, of Angry Inch fame.

ONLY in my top five favorite movies ever conceived by pure genius.

Like young hopeful Hedwig, trapped on the wrong side of the Berlin wall and opting to undergo a sex change operation just to escape, by passing as the bride of an American soldier, only to have the operation botched and then, oh, the humanity, the wall came down anyway, just in time for Hedwig to be left destitute in blighted Junction City, Kansas.

If only he'd waited! The end of the ordeal was near, if only he'd known!

At least the furnace guy didn't get his johnson caught in the furnace. Hedwig lost everything but an angry inch down there. Furnace Arm Guy lost an arm. Every man would give up an arm to keep the goods. Also, Hedwig is fictional.

I wonder if Furnace Arm Guy was left-handed?

Here's the story:
http://article.wn.com/view/2010/06/11/Man_Trapped_in_Furnace_Amputated_Own_Arm_to_Live/

After telling that whole story, now I don't remember what I was actually thinking of when I started this entry about stupid things people do. Furnace Arm Guy made me forget.

Good luck with everything, Furnace Arm Guy. I couldn't have done what you did, and moreover, I'm still working out what the life lesson is here. "Never force your arm into a furnace" just seems like something that goes without saying.

Then again, so does "Never drill for ANYTHING without a fail-safe disaster recovery plan."

Ohhhh yes, NOW I remember what I was actually thinking of when I started this entry about stupid things people do, and I'm pissed and stunned and speechless all over again. The...you can't...it's so...ARGGH, WHY ARE PEOPLE!?

I see you over there in the menu bar, Weight Watcher's tab, don't get all lonely because I haven't touched you since summer. I got stuff for you too, I just haven't felt like writing. And you know those Facebook statuses? They've been taking the place of Low Budget Superhero. Almost a decade of writing, and it's coming undone because I can now post my thoughts in 220 character micro-blogs throughout the day and night, getting immediate and satisfying comments from every other obsessive Live Feed button-pusher. You know who you are! I have no legitimate claims to outrage, having been the cheerleader whose rallying whoops enticed at least five people to join. If you're tweeting because of me, I'm sorry.

I do need to write up the essay about that October trip. I just need like a, I don't know, a decompression? Like a couple of weeks off with no TV and no Facebook. So that I can write about Facebook and how it's blurring the normally linear timeline of our weird little lives. Come on, your old boyfriend commenting along with your best friend from fifth grade and your new boyfriend's mom is just...well, you'd never find all those people in the same room. Worlds colliding, rainbows connecting.

You'll notice there's no longer any commenting available HERE. This I changed so that I could control a spammer problem I was having, but I think I'll keep it comment'less for awhile. The people I would want to hear from, you know how to reach me if it's so important. And there's always the Facebook comment, because you know I'll be posting this to my profile...what a brave new world we live in, hm?

So much going on, so much. Let's see, well, the earthquake in Haiti is the worst thing I've seen in my lifetime. Here at home, the nation's economy is in the toilet. Last night was the State of the Union address, and while I'm still an Obama Mama, I just feel like it was too much salesy talk, finger pointing, platitudes and "in a perfect world" promises. OH, and too much applause by the Dems for what really amounted to a pep rally! Anyone else annoyed by that? When did that start, the constant applause during the SOTU? I don't recall that from when I was a kid. I don't know what any of the answers are, I just know things need to change. That's what drove the commonwealth, which was rocked by the Scott Brown win last week. Because nobody knows what to think past "what the f....?"

Joe's still not working. While I must say I like that he's picked up this new hobby of cooking, I would also like to, oh, maybe buy a house? Or at least a condo? My credit is only in the high six hundreds and my savings is like two or three paychecks' away from not-existing. Realistically, we need both incomes and his superior credit if we're ever going to move out of this tiny apartment. It's hard to believe October was a whole entire calendar year since he was laid off. I'd just made an appointment with a Realtor to look at some condo's, and by the time the appointment day came around, he was out of work. Thanks, Universe, yer hilarious. That was a good one.

Joe has become quite the cook, though. Last Thanksgiving, I mean 2008, he watched me taking down a raw butternut squash and turning it into a delightful soup and, when he turned out to love the soup, acted like I'd just leaped a tall building in a single bound. By THIS Thanksgiving, he had experimented with a number of different variations on butternut squash soup (with apple, with leeks) and made a big pot to take over to his sister's house. Leeks? A mere few months ago he had to call me from the grocery store with list in hand.

"Which ones are leeks?"

"They're with the swiss chard and kale." That didn't help at all. I suspect he thought "swiss chard" and "kale" were some kind of fish.

"They look like scallions, but bigger and fatter...scallions look like leeks' mini-me."

Now he's expertly washing leeks ("That's not easy, baby!" "I know, I found a video online!"), crisping them and using them to top his culinary creations. It just proves that old adage about the clouds and the silver lining. "Oh, 2009? Yes, Joe didn't have a job for one single day of it, but on the plus side, he learned to make a perfect pie crust...from SCRATCH." We may have limped along on one income, but holy moly...fresh pie!

Actually, it's overstating to say we're "limping along." We're fine. We can live perfectly fine on one income. For one thing, they just keep extending the unemployment bennies, though we won't discuss how much of that goes straight into paying for health care. For another, we don't have any of life's luxur...I mean money pits. No house, so no lawn to care for or snow to remove, there's no repair bills for big appliances because we own no big appliances. No property taxes, heat is part of our rent. No car, so no insurance or gas or repairs. No pets, so no food or vet bills. No kids. When I think about it all, you know what? I don't know how people are doing it. Even just adding a car right now would change our whole financial picture. And I have decent income!

How are people doing it?!

Are they living on credit? We only got credit cards because, last year, our mortgage adviser dude said we both lack revolving debt, which hurts our credit for home loans. Meaning: you guys actually SAVE UP for what you want to buy? Oh, that won't do, you need to fling credit cards all around so we can see that you...have...credit?

I am sorry, I still just do NOT get the whole credit dance. It's retarded, and yes I know that's un-PC language, and since I'm already offending your delicate nature, it's motherfucking retarded. If you're frugal, non-extravagant, careful to live within your means with habits such as saving up for the big ticket purchases and only buying them when you have the money, it's the same thing as being a deadbeat loser. Really? REALLY? Credit score what? It is my belief that CREDIT SCORE should only be the jumping-off place, not the be-all and end-all factor that spells out a person's entire financial story. There's so much more to define a person's financial responsibility than just that score. I care about being careful with money, that's all. Score THIS, hosers. Makes me want to live somewhere where I can give you a chicken and a goat in trade for a hut.

People are angry. I'm angry. There's going to be a lot more flag-waving in 2010. What's your flag going to say on it?

One of my co-workers...FORMER co-workers...made his own stimulus package. Sticky Fingers decided to sneak out with about twenty grand worth of electronic parts. Can you even imagine? It's a pretty good story too, but I'll save that for another day.

Al ist klar, der kommisar.

It's three minutes to midnight on Thursday. I've sipped my last drink of water until after my ultrasound in the morning. Gotta go in on an empty stomach.

Ultrasound?

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