Diary of a Low Budget Superhero

Well, that was an interesting three days. Interesting, frustrating, annoying three days.

Follow up:

Thursday night I printed the "first two weeks" Atkins guide to acceptable foods and took it to the grocery store. With the guide as a shopping list, I bought beef, chicken, eggs, green beans, cukes and Romaine. At that point my cart looked more or less the same as it would have anyway. Pausing at the cereals, I checked the list for Raisin Bran. No. Going page by page and looking at the "net carbs," which I'm supposed to keep under 20 per day, I find no grains at all. No nuts or seeds, either. No lentils or chick peas or kidney beans. Hm.

At home I logged in and looked at WeightWatchers.com again. The details of Weight Watchers are hard to remember, because that was back in college. Weight Watchers didn't have much fruit allowed, that much I remember. Me 'n my best girl Jen did it together, courtesy of her mom, who had lost a lot of weight and become a group leader. She hooked us up with the plans. Jen and I totally rocked that diet together. We got so slim! I was also running about three miles every other day. Impossible at first, I couldn't even run to the mailbox on the corner. But before the winter set in I was running from Pelham to New Rochelle. Me.

I remember Jenny Craig more clearly. After college, back in Connecticut and broke, coughed up by New York like a hunk of chewed meat, I spent all summer 1992 in my parents' home helping with the restaurant. I'd started gaining weight again before moving to Massachusetts with Hub. I guess it took about three years to gain it all back. Then Hub and I went on Jenny Craig. Did I lose all I wanted on the Jenny Craig? I can't remember. Kidney beans, being so high in fiber, were a staple on Jenny Craig. Which was also a very fruity diet. I remembered Hub and I shopping from the Jenny Craig food list the first time and, once our combined fruit requirement allotments were piled on the kitchen island, we looked at each other with a bit of panic. How the motherfuck are we going to eat all this fruit?

That was too much fruit. It didn't occur to us until a few months in that fruit JUICES counted.

There's NO fruit in the first phase of Atkins. But what about my vitamins? I need the fruit. People need fruit! I think Joe's sister is right. She said "any diet that puts bacon over apples has to be a load of shit." It just can't be right.

But then again EVERYONE is full of advice. Since the last entry I've had more information thrown at me than a game show contestant. I have had, literally, the opposite advice tossed my way, with equal certainty on the part of the adviser. Eat only meat versus go vegetarian. Fast every day from five o'clock until 11am the next morning, versus don't skip meals. Is the low-fat yogurt in my fridge off limits? What about our cabinet FULL of varieties of canned Nature Made beans? I was sent articles proclaiming the virtues of the South Beach, Atkins and Zone diets. I was sent articles debunking those concepts, myth by myth. One friend PM'd me warning that I should be prepared "to stink" once I reached "ketosis." Stink? What in the holy hell is "ketosis?" I looked it up. Atkins says ketosis as an "extremely desirable state to be in." But a Globe article explains that ketosis means your blood is all acidic, so the body is forced to leach calcium from your bones. "Ketosis can also damage the kidneys, cause bad breath and trigger irregular heart rhythms that can cause sudden death." Another article said it happens basically when you're starving.

That cannot be good.

Suddenly this "eat right" concept is a total mindfuck. I've always said we all know what to do, it is no mystery: eat right and exercise. But now, at my age knocking on 40's door, I am suddenly no longer sure what "eat right" even means anymore.

After the 2003 diverticulitis surgery, I did no exercise anymore. Just lived happily and ignored that I'd started buying bigger sizes, pretty much. It sneaks up on you, you know? Then someone shows you a photo of yourself and you're like "HOLY FUCK, who is THAT?" Then your boyfriend's mother gives you a push in the right direction.

So here I am at this place again.

Which gives pause. How many more times am I going to DO this?

One more time. Last time.

Friday, I made an appointment with a nutritionist recommended by my doctor's office. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Last time.