Diary of a Low Budget Superhero

After the hubbub died down and things were quieter, Joe's mom contrived to get me alone, because she had something very important to tell me.

Follow up:

"Oh boy, what's this going to be about," I thought as she sat down in the deck chair across from where I sat. It could easily have been about why Joey and I aren't married yet and (or) when we're going to provide a grandchild. I know both of those are hot topics for Mrs. Mom.

It wasn't that.

Mrs. Mom wanted to tell me that I'm too damn fat. No, she didn't use those words. She's a nurse (LPN) so she used medical terms. But basically it's the same thing -- girl, youse a big ol' porker and you need help, stat.

It's OK, I'd been thinking the same thing lately. I am just too fat. I walk by store windows and can't believe that's me. I'm embarrassed when I run into someone I haven't seen for a long time.

For the last six months, I've stepped up on the good habits and been conscientious about food, even making a point to tell my day to Joe each night to "keep me honest." "Breakfast was a low-fat blueberry yogurt and a banana. For lunch I got sushi and another yogurt. And I'm on my third water." At home we keep mostly GOOD snacks. I have prunes, blueberries, nuts, trail mix, soy bars. We changed our pasta to this special brand recommended by a vegan friend, it's organic whole-grain, not your usual pasta.

And I've been losing NOTHING. NOTHING. I look exactly the same.

I said to Joe, "Well, maybe I've just reached an age and metabolism where diet alone won't work." So you know that little room off our bedroom that went from being my studio to a storeroom, then I had 1-800-GOT JUNK come and clear it out? Now it's an exercise room. There's a recumbent exercise bike in there, and miracle of miracles, I've actually been doing the bike every day. It's not easy, but I started out only being able to do five minutes and now I'm up to 20 minutes! I've been dreaming of the day when I start to notice my clothes feeling loose and muscle tone in my legs and abs. Of course there's been the occasional indulgence, mostly frozen yogurt, but I've really been eating "right."

Right?

Wrong.

Turns out I've been eating all wrong.

IF you believe the Atkins people. One of whom happens to be Joe's mom.

If you already know the fine details of Atkins, the rest of this won't come as any surprise to you. If, like me, you only know the broad brushstroke basics (no carbs, high protein) then your mind will be blown. But first, I have to interrupt myself to say that I don't know when these people went all Atkins, or WHY, since they're both totally fatless and super-fit. Mrs. Mom still fits into her damn wedding gown and Mr. Dad is every bit the sailor/firefighter/cop he always was, and more tan than George friggin' Hamilton. They're FREAKISHLY fit. But they went Atkins and got even slimmer.

Here's the irony: Joe and I were a bit worried about food for this trip to Cherry Hill, because last time we visited in summertime we ate (simply by inertia and lack of a car) hot dogs, burgers and potato chips for lunch and dinner for four straight days. And every morning it was bagels and cream cheese that Mr. Dad went out and brought back. We flew home feeling like we'd swallowed bowling balls. So this time we brought along bananas, trail mix, oranges and cantaloupe, and on Sunday when someone said "...burgers?" Joe caught my eye and we quickly schemed to run out shopping for lean steak tips, fresh salad makings, corn on the cob and some veggies for the grill.

Well. When Mrs. Mom started talking to me about food, I had to admit that I have a big weight problem, but tell her that I feel like I eat pretty well. I described my friend who comes over with a sack of Gummy Worms and Tab. I told her that junk food fans will not be happy in our house. You will not find Ding Dongs or Twinkies or pork rinds. The worst thing we have is pretzels, popcorn and frozen yogurt (OK, the occasional can of Pringles pops in, but it's a "sometimes" thing). I told her my mornings pretty much consist of me crossing my street to the convenience store and picking up my low-fat yogurt on my way to work. Joe knows which yogurt I get and he picks some up whenever he's out shopping so I have it in the house. I told her I like melon, nectarines and peaches and and oranges and grapefruits. In fact, as I was talking I reflected back over the past two mornings when she clearly watched me eat for breakfast two oranges (on day one) and a bowl of cantaloupe chunks (on day two).

She said those oranges and that cantaloupe are wrong. She said I should be having an egg and bacon. That's what she eats. And for lunch she packs cheese cubes and pepperoni.

Excuse me? Did you just say cheese, bacon and pepperoni? Hello Crazy Lady, those are things you avoid when you're trying to eat right. Right? So she brought up the Atkins food list on the laptop. To show me the carbs in my food choices. She talked about the carbs and what they do once I eat them. Then she showed me the list of foods that are too sugary, and therefore bad. Starting with everything I'd just eaten that weekend.

My low fat yogurt? Bad.

My oranges? Bad.

My cantaloupe? Bad.

My prunes? Bad.

My trail mix? VERY bad.

Hello? Is this the EXACT OPPOSITE of what we've been told all our lives or what? Are you kidding me with cheese and steak and eggs? I got steak and eggs a few weeks ago when I was out with Chuck, and though I did not eat the hash browns, I still felt guilty for that meal. Steak and eggs? Are you kidding me?

This whole Atkins thing is like informing me that the sky is not blue, but some insane color. Magenta. Or Puce. Yes, puce. This "right way" of eating is like a bolt from the clear puce sky.

I've been discussing this with my co-worker Chris today. He sent me some links. This New York Times piece is my favorite. It's called "What If It's Been A Big Fat Lie?" and I quote from it thusly:

"If the members of the American medical establishment were to have a collective find-yourself-standing-naked-in-Times-Square-type nightmare, this might be it. They spend 30 years ridiculing Robert Atkins, author of the phenomenally-best-selling ''Dr. Atkins' Diet Revolution'' and ''Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution,'' accusing the Manhattan doctor of quackery and fraud, only to discover that the unrepentant Atkins was right all along. Or maybe it's this: they find that their very own dietary recommendations -- eat less fat and more carbohydrates -- are the cause of the rampaging epidemic of obesity in America. Or, just possibly this: they find out both of the above are true."

So I made a deal with Joe's mom. I said I'd try this for one month, combined with my exercise bike and walking. Tonight I'm going to pick up the Atkins book so that I understand what some of these concepts mean (they keep talking about "induction" on the website) and maybe I'll add a tab to this diary to chart the progress without boring those of you who could give a fuck.

The HARDEST part is going to be pasta and bread. Because our "new" pasta won't work either, we might as well be eating the real thing, and even though we keep less bread around, we'd only switched to wraps, which according to the list, again, do not really change much even though you "feel like" you're eating better. So. Yeah. Pasta and bread'll be the hardest part. And the lack of fruit, and certain vegetables. I'll be honest, my "lunch" last Thursday was four peaches. Holy fuck were they good, too. And the other night Joe just steamed for me a whole bag of mini-carrots to go with some chicken he'd made and I said I wanted to have those more often. Do I really have to go home now and throw out my carrots? Because as I gear up to start this Atkins thing, I must admit I'm feeling slightly foolish. I'm thinking with equal verve "What if this works?!" and "What if this doesn't work!?"

I would be curious to know if anyone else besides Joe's parents have tried the Atkins.

Bacon. Fer realz?